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Victorianrose
09-15-2007, 08:54 AM
really use your prayers. Dh and I are to say the least "not getting along". :cry2: It's been a very difficult 20+ years of marriage. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he said, " I don't need it. You're the one who needs it". He sees no wrong in his behavior. While I accept my part of responsiblity. He has shut down. Completely. This morning he complained again about the children playing and waking him up. "I stated their just being children. We could put a fan in our room to cut out noise or you could sleep upstairs in spare bedroom or move over to your office/house". In reference to moving to the other house/office he said, "well if you want me to". and I said, "it's not my choice it's your decision". :cry2:
I am so drained by all this, I can't sleep. How do you live with a partner who doesn't want to be a partner? :cry2:
So anyone who wants to lift us up in prayer would be greatfully appreciated.
I am sorry I had to vent, but I know that everyone here will give me some support.
Debbie

iloveflipflops
09-15-2007, 09:31 AM
Oh Debbie ... this is so hard. In my opinion, unless he will get help, I am not sure you can make things work. I know this from personal experience. You can email me if you want to talk more. I am so sorry!!

mahodgman
09-15-2007, 09:36 AM
Debbie, please do go to counseling for yourself! I'm not saying that to support his comment but rather as a tool to help you deal with your "partner who doesn't want to be a partner." Marriage is hard work that's for sure! Both parties have to participate, and troubles within a marriage are rarely one person's fault. You can't change his attitude or behavior, but you can learn how to react to it.

Sorry, I'm not trying to preach! I am sorry you are going through this, and I will certainly say a prayer for you both.

directmailscrapper
09-15-2007, 09:56 AM
Debbie, I don't think you are alone, my dear. When I used to hear about people who were married for 20, 30 or more years getting a divorce, I used to wonder WHY? I mean if they'd been married that long -- what could have gone wrong? If they had a bad marriage, how did it last that long?

But now that I've been married for 25 years, I understand. My DH and I aren't where you are now, but we've certainly had our moments. (We are having one now!). I think we women are usually the ones who want to "fix" things and improve the relationship -- me are typically more satisfied with the status quo. I agree with Mary, even if DH won't go for counseling, you could still benefit. I know my sister has gone alone and she has appreciated the help.

Best of luck to you and your DH. Keep us posted and I'll say a little prayer for you and your family.

Nancy

tesschap
09-15-2007, 10:18 AM
Oh dear - I'm sorry for what you are going through. You have received some great advice here and I have to agree - go to counseling for yourself. You can't make someone go if they don't want to but you can take care of yourself. He may see how much counseling helps you and eventually go along or he may continue down the path he's on and stay at his office/house. Either way counseling will help you through this.

Sending you a hug.

mjbonoan
09-15-2007, 10:19 AM
I will surely say a prayer for you...
I too have a difficult spouse... Our life took a turn around (for the better) four years ago. Nonetheless, we still threaten to leave each other after 18 years. I will admit the blame is probaly more mine than his now since he was the one that did the "turn around"...Hmmm, mabye I'm the difficult one!!!

I will say a prayer for you!
Big Hugs to you!

logcabincreations
09-15-2007, 10:38 AM
Debbie, coming from a family of five siblings and 6 divorces (my baby sister is going through one now), I can honestly say that sometimes it has to happen in order to save your own sanity. I've seen physical abuse and mental abuse. And while the first is horrible, the second can be worse.

Mary's suggestion for counseling is a good thing. If the children are feeling the affects of yours and dh's problems, they may benefit too. Have you tried writing everything down in a journal....starting with dating, to the wedding and forward? Write down your feelings: from happy moments to sad. If he won't try to communicate with you verbally, write him a letter and tell him how you feel. If you truly want this marriage to work, tell him so. Ask him to write you back. Ask him why he is shutting you out. Is he stressed with his job? Is he worried about finances? Men will carry their family's financial burdens on their shoulders. My dh does that. He thinks if he doesn't work 60 hours a week to pay the bills we will lose everything. Women will tend to all the multi-family daily tasks. Men tend to focus on job and finances. At least that's the way it is in my home. I have to give my dh a note of thanks once in awhile to tell him how much I appreciate his hard work supporting our family, or he gets a little depressed. Don't know if your circumstances are exactly like mine, but maybe you can write down all the things about your dh that you are thankful for and give it to him. Try to change the tone of sadness that has entered your home. Or find one thing every day you can write to him and leave him notes in different places. Suggestions: thank you for working so hard to support our family; thank you for our children; thank you for our home; and so on. And another idea to help him remember the fun and happy times, leave him a note to say: Remember at our wedding when ____________ (fill in the blanks); Remember when _______ was born and we ______________; Remember when we took that trip to ___________________. Find the joyful times and remind him. Leave a happy photo with the notes. Do this for awhile. Give him a hug. Give him a smile. Maybe he'll get the hint and do something nice in return. But even if he doesn't, you'll know that you really tried.

My dh and I went to a marriage retreat several years ago. We had to exchange workbooks and write each other a letter expressing our love and what we were thankful for.

I don't know if you will be able to use these ideas in your circumstance, but remember that your children know more than you think they do, and they can sense the problems that are occurring. And while you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, know that you are special.....you are a wonderful mother.....and you will get through this. We women are strong.

Trying different things will at least give you a different focus and hopefully bring you all some cheer. I'm saying a prayer right now. Remember these Bible verses: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13; "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10b

Hugs,

hbpuppy
09-15-2007, 11:41 AM
Hi Debbie. I'm so sorry that you are having struggles in your marriage. I think that sometimes we just need to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective. I think talking is best done casually, in a different setting than the home. Like you do with your friends. Try to find some things that you can do together (some people might call these dates) like golf or something where you are just out and you can talk about all kinds of things. No one feels ganged up on. Don't overwhelm him with stuff and give him 3 days to process major things. None of the "I need a response immediately" stuff. Guys are slow to process things.

And, Debbie, don't forget to do something fun for yourself. You deserve a treat.

ngreek
09-15-2007, 01:41 PM
If I can offer one tod bit of advice following on the tails of others here on this thread. Take the time to go to therapy for yourself. Until you can gain perspective for yourself and on issues for yourself the marriage therapy will not be effective. Find what is worth you working on and what are the issues to let go. When we build the hostility or frustration we as human tend to go to one of the extremes either avoiding or go on the attack. A door can always be open if we work on ourselves. No iI have not been in a marriage for 20 years but through my profession I see alot of these similiar issues.
Nicole

buggainok
09-15-2007, 01:45 PM
I can't add anything to all the wisdom that's already been posted by the wise women here.

Except to say that I've been married 42 years in November -- and it's hard work. Worth it....but hard.

Most of us who are still married (or not) have been where you are at some time or other and feel what you are going through.

Hugs, Annette

mydogstinks2
09-15-2007, 02:33 PM
Wow there is tons of great advice here! I'm so sorry thayt you guys are going through this. I know from my personal life that "they" never think it is their fault. ever. I agree with everyone try the counseling yourself. It will at least give you someone to talk to before you explode!

Best of luck! keep us updated and let us know if you need anything.

teabear
09-15-2007, 07:27 PM
So sorry for your struggles and pain, Debbie. I don't have anything more to add that hasn't been said. Sending you hugs.

cindi
09-15-2007, 07:29 PM
the ladies have given you some great advice, so , I'm just sending prayers up and hugs your way.
:heart:

loobylou
09-15-2007, 08:33 PM
Sending you a hug from far away, and a prayer for strength to work your way thru this all. I agree that counselling for yourself would be helpful- they don't tell you what to do, just help you to think your own thoughts thru clearly and sort out your options for dealing with life.
Good Luck

ccstampin12
09-15-2007, 08:40 PM
Sending you prayers and hugs.
Marriage is not a perfect institution....some more imperfect than others....I wish you luck with your problems, and hope you find a way to deal with them that will be helpful to you all!
HUGS
Joanie

Victorianrose
09-15-2007, 10:05 PM
Oh, ladies, now sobbing tears of joy and peace.
I have been in counseling since May.
Dh doesn't like paying $$ but I might have to get a job
to support my bills. So right now on a "no buy' mode.
Thank you so much for your prayers, love and support.
I am awe struck with how much your healing words have helped to booster my spirit.
As I read you encouragements I could feel your prayers, keep 'em going.
debbie

countrycowgirl
09-15-2007, 10:15 PM
Sorry I have no great advice but you do have my prayers!

Vintagegal
09-19-2007, 10:13 PM
I have no words of advice........just hugs for you. I'm sorry you are going through these difficult times.

Tantalize
09-19-2007, 10:53 PM
I missed this post 4 days ago, and have little advice. But know that I am supporting you and hoping that everything will work out in the end, Debbie.

ChristyR
09-19-2007, 10:59 PM
huggs and prayers....GOOD LUCK with everything

cecescraps
09-19-2007, 11:09 PM
Here are some more hugs and prayers...Take Care of yourself and know that you are Worthy of a HAPPY life!

cathi

patg
09-19-2007, 11:35 PM
oh Debbie, my heart goes out to you. It is difficult when one partner does not admit that there is anything wrong at all. I do agree with Mary. You do need to get counselling for yourself. Once you understand some of it, it may help you cope a bit better.

Also keep the children in mind, if they are noticing anything different or start to act out different, you should get them into counselling as well.

I'm sending warm wishes and prayers your way. Keep us posted.
Pat

Deborah
09-30-2007, 10:12 PM
I'm happy for you, that you're attending counselling for your special self Debbie. Marital problems are so HARD, because we can never be away from them. I wish you peace through your struggles.

Deborah.