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View Full Version : I need advice...have a dilemma



logcabincreations
02-25-2007, 12:24 AM
I'm so tired I can hardly type this...but I'm going to write and then go to bed...then I'll be back tomorrow to see what you all tell me.

A few years ago I made friends with a neighbor lady (well - she lives 3 miles away) and her two sons (14 & 15). She's a single mom who works full time, but her parenting skills are not always what I would consider best. Her oldest son has spent a lot of time at my house. Within the last 6 months, he's been in lots of trouble at school; caught lying and stealing; my husband told him if he didn't quit getting in trouble, he can't come over to our house anymore. Two weeks ago his bus driver calls me to report he is using tobacco on the bus. I said "why are you calling me...I'm not his mother" and I gave her his mothers name and work phone number.

His mother leaves her boys at home almost every evening - by themselves - while she goes out with friends or to "meetings" (she's a recovered alcoholic--10 years--and has started going back to AA meetings up to 4 times a week.) I disagree with her leaving her boys home alone all the time. I understand if she needs to attend a meeting, but 4 a week? I haven't been through this, so it's hard for me to criticize; however, her oldest son is craving attention and I think that's why he gets in so much trouble. She has recently filed a "child in need of services" petition with the court when in all actuality, I think he's a "child in need of supervision." Also, she used to drop them off at the skating rink. Now, I'm no saint, but I've NEVER dropped my boys off at the skating rink. I go in with them and either I skate or I take me a book to read. Her boys can't go back to the skating rink now because the oldest got in trouble.

This boy calls my house all the time wanting to talk to my 17 and 18 year old sons. I don't mean one phone call...yesterday evening he called six times and this morning twice. He wanted to come to my house and let my boys shave his head (yes, shave his head.) I told him yesterday he could not come over because my boys would be gone today (Sat. -- they work with their dad). He called this morning and said he wanted to tell my boys what he had done. I said "what did you do...a Brittany Spears?" and he said "pretty much." I said "you have called my house 8 times since last night...if you are craving attention, then tell your mother to give you some and tell her I said so, and stop calling my house...you are driving me crazy!"

I know I was short with him...I'm just totally fed up. I know he doesn't have a father in his life, but it is not my responsibility to raise this child. I have 3 of my own. There is so much more I could write....like when he spent almost the WHOLE month of August at my house....like when my husband and his brother took him to work one Saturday (they have a tree trimming business) and he asked my 11 year old son to steal a pack of cigarrettes...like when he's here at my house, I have to hide food because he will eat ALL of it...like he's ridden his bicycle & walked to my house on a dangerous road all 3 miles after being told not to leave his own house and his mother called the sheriff's office and a deputy picked him up at the end of my driveway....:arghh: We have taken him to church to youth group and then take him home....etc. etc. etc.

I'm feeling a little bad that I snapped. His mother called here and left a sweet sounding message for me to call her when I have time to talk. I have not called her back. I'm not sure I will. We have to now "screen" our phone calls because of this. I feel like I'm going nuts. Say a prayer for me and for that family.

Jan

hbpuppy
02-25-2007, 01:17 AM
Oh Jan. I can tell you are at the end of your rope. It sounds like you are trying to balance helping out a kid in need while being a good parent to your own kids. Of course I think that you are doing the right thing by putting your own kids first.

There might be more to this kid than meets the eye. When I was growing up my cousin was always getting into trouble and would run away to our house. He even attempted suicide a few times. Come to find out, he was sexually abused by his priest several times. Once I found that out it explained a lot.

It sounds like this kid need counceling from a professional. Maybe someone at your church or his school. But there is something going on with this kid.

IMO I think you should have a one on one with his mom. Tell her that you care about her son but that it is becoming a strain on your family. Sometimes people are clueless about parenting are really need some instruction.

Good luck and God bless.

Nancy
02-25-2007, 04:33 AM
Services or tell your minister and tell them the story, If you get to involved in their lives you will have more problems. I am sure the mother really doesnt care and talks from both sides of the fence and says what you want to hear. Unfortunately no matter how you help it still wont be good enough. I am wishing you the best. - Nancy

Deborah
02-25-2007, 06:21 AM
This is a dilemma for sure, and I can hear your frustration, but I can also hear your deep concern for this boy.

As a career social worker, I'm feeling torn, but I'm feeling pretty clear that I would not call child protective services just yet. I'd start with a more moderate approach. I agree that a gentle, supportive one-on-one with the boy's Mum is a necessary first step. It sounds like she might be feeling a bit overwhelmed with her responsibilities as a single mother.

As difficult as it is, it sounds like your family has been adopted by this boy as some sort of safety net. It also sounds like your family has provided him something he's missing. I wonder if it might help to have a chat with your own sons and with this boy about boundaries and expectations you have for your OWN children, in the hope that he'd understand these are the same you would have for HIM if he wants to continue contact with your family...that's assuming, of course, that your family is interested in maintaining contact with HIM.

It's a dilemma for sure, but your concern shines through your post, and it sounds to me like you're not ready to give up...just yet...and good for you!

Erin K
02-25-2007, 10:00 AM
I don't have any sage advice for you like Deborah, Nancy and Heather. I want you to know I'm thinking of you though. I know you are trying to balance your concern for this boy and your own family's peace. You have to always put your own kids first of course. I hope you can still be a help to this family but maybe not too involved? Whatever you decide to do I pray the Lord blesses you with success and a good outcome especially for your own children.

shurlyjean
02-25-2007, 10:43 AM
I don't have much helpful advice either, but was thinking a couple of things.

Maybe you can find some resources to help the mother. Is there a Big Brother program in your area? Does the school have an afterschool program? Maybe the kids need some type of job? Are there support groups for the mother?

She might be thrilled to think someone is helping her. She sounds nice since she left a nice message.

Being a neighbor it's not really your responsibility, but if the mother is "neglecting" her kids by running of to meetings someone definately needs to step in.

She now doubt is overwhelmed and needs to wake up to this. I bet by going to these meetings she feels that she is helping things, but at the same time isn't really seeing what is happening.

Good luck. Hope those kids get on the right track.

Shirley

logcabincreations
02-25-2007, 01:29 PM
Thank you all. I'm going to wait before I call the mom because I'm not sure I could be as nice as I should be. This child has been through the big brother program, and his big brother quit on him. This child is high maintenance and bounces off the walls, still, at the age of 15. He has worn my family out to the point my boys don't really want him over here. Back in the fall I had a long discussion with his mother about how I could tell her boys are feeling dis-jointed -- with one of her sons spending weekends with one family and going to their church, and the other one at my house going to my church, and her getting her spiritual guidance from her meetings. I was pretty clear to her that her children weren't feeling like they and her were a "real family" because they were all going in different directions. I suggested she find a church all 3 could attend together. Her response was "I've told them they could make their own spiritual path." Well, as most of us know who have families and go to church...this is something we do together as a family. Could you imagine me sending my 3 boys to 3 different churches while I go somewhere else? It's ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm still struggling with what to do. I've been considering contacting the attorney who has been appointed guardian ad litem because I feel that the two boys are left home alone entirely too much...and then again, I feel like this would betray a friendship. I do care for the mother....then again, sometimes I wonder if she hasn't been taking advantage of my friendship just so she has somewhere for him to stay so she can go out...I don't know.

Jan

Erin K
02-25-2007, 02:34 PM
OK, I feel she is totally taking advantage of you. But there is still the fact that for whatever reason you ARE involved somewhat with her kids. So although it may be nice to just say, "I'm OUT" maybe that won't sit well with you. I don't know what you should do. It's a real tough one Jan.

moon_beam23
02-25-2007, 06:02 PM
I just stubbled upon this thread. I'm so hoping that things will resolve themselves, not only for the boy but for you and your family as well.

stampcrazyjulie
02-25-2007, 06:33 PM
Wow. It is hard to give advice on something like this. It sounds like you are wanting to help out & be a Friend but at the same time it is taking a HUGE toll on you & your Family.....

I have found that not everybody Parents the same way. Even though you or I would not leave our 14 or 15 y/o Son's alone does not mean that others do not feel the same way. I have 2 Niece's that are 9 & almost 12 that I have been extremely concerned about. Their Mom is my oldest Sister, & she has been a Single Mom for years & has made some very BAD descisions especially as of late. She refuses help & has been moving around place to place & I have no idea where she's at right now.

I was so concerned that I called Child Protective Services to get some information...anonymously & was told that it is not against the Law to leave Children over the age of 8-9 alone. Even at night or during the middle of the night. I was told that unless their Mom was physically abusing them or doing drugs in front of them that there was nothing that could be done. They told me to call back if I had proof.

As for AA Meetings, my Sister used to go everynight...sometimes she would take the Kids & sometimes she would not. Some People do several meetings a day. If your Friend has been sober for 10 years it sounds like she may have some other issues she still needs to work on, but I definitely would support her going to meetings...it could be worse....

I will say an extra prayer for both of your Families tonight....Good Luck! :)

toao
02-25-2007, 09:37 PM
I'm with Erin, I don't have any sound advice I can offer other than just Pray about the situation and ask God to reveal to you the best answer. Keep yourself and your family safe. I'll be praying for you all.

Mary

logcabincreations
02-25-2007, 09:39 PM
Thanks Julie. I talked to a friend at church today. Sometimes it's best for both sides to take a break from the other person. So that's what I'm going to do. She is utilizing the court system, and she has other support; her son still goes to school and there are people there for him as well. I'm giving myself and my family a well-deserved break.

Thanks everyone for your advice and your prayers. Have a wonderful, safe and blessed week.

Jan