I'm not really a part of this group as I've tried and failed so many times before, but this email I received I just had to share!! It's long, but so worth it. Enjoy!
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would
beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the cheeky mare) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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