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Thread: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

  1. My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    My dad died yesterday and i am devastated.

    I cannot help but beat myself up that I have not seen him since the 18th December with all the health issues I have had to deal with.

    Cannot go into all the issues because it is too painful, but the upshot is that there has been a huge family row

    There was a family meeting to discuss the funeral arrangements this afternoon and that was held local to where my sisters and stepmom live.Prior to that I was asked by phone if there was anything I wanted brought up at the meeting. My only request was that stepmoms son in law respectfully stayed away from the funeral.
    This was because dad and him had never got on, and dad finally said he was no longer welcome at their home.
    You might possibly have guessed that the real reason behind all this was money! My stepmom had previously owned a house that they (SIL and daughter) expected to inherit before dad came on the scene some 13 years ago.
    I will always be grateful to stepmom for looking after my father as before he died he was suffering with vascular dementia, but they constantly rowed and she called him Satan!Eighteen months ago she walked out on him but returned after Dad had spent some time in a nursing home and stayed with him until 5 weeks ago when she left with her daughter to live at their house. Dad was left on his own with no means of contacting anyone only the police. He is nearly blind, could not remember our telephone numbers because of his dementia and social services had to put him in emergency care. Why my step mom and her family not tell us what they were going to do, why leave him in the house on his own?Since then he has gonedown hill so fast. My sisters and I found him a good EMI nursing home for the last three weeks of his life, but not once has my stepmom phoned or enquired or visited him....the care home is only five minutes from their home by car.
    Am I being to judgemental in my grief?
    All I want to do is attend my dads funeral without any arguments BUT I dont want the SIL there as to me that is being hypocritical. If stepmom wants support and wants her own family her daughter will be there and they could send a grandson or another member of the family Dad did not object to.
    You would have thought that was enough to cope with? But my younger sister is going on holiday abroad and so the funeral will not take place until she returns some 12 days after his death. They want the coffin closed but I have still not seen my Dad but I think I should not be expected to see him some 12 days after his death.
    So I have decided that tomorrow I shall travel to see my dad in the funeral home and say my good byes there. I feel as if I have let Dad down and my sisters have not considered the only wish I requested.
    I shall not be attending the funeral, because there is no way I could stand in a house of God with all the bad feelings I have inside me. Better to say a quiet goodbye to Dad myself and let them get on with it. They are blaming me now because they say I caused a major family row, even though I was not there, just by trying to consider dads wishes.

    I apologise for the vent but feel there is no where else I can turn.
    Joan

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    Oh Joan! I am so sorry. With your health issues and now the death of your beloved father. I am so sorry. Families, money and steps always make it tough. Perhaps if you can't go to the funeral you could visit with your dad at the funeral home now and say good-bye. I don't think you are being to judgemental as you know the situation. Why would anyone leave an elderly man with demenita alone- that would be enough for me to say not welcome to the funeral too.
    I hope you can find peace, your dad would not want you to jeopardize your health over all of this. So my words to you are for you to take care of yourself first!
    Thinking of you!!

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    Oh Joan, my heart aches for you! How hard it must be at this time, to also have the extra burden of strife. Prayers and hugs for you.
    HeatherJ
    http://stampthedayaway.blogspot.com/


    October 2009 Bingo numbers are 6, 12, 18, 24, 31, 39, 54, 70, 82, 97

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  4. #4

    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    Joan I'm so sorry for your loss and even more sorry that at a time like this, you now have to deal with all the emotional baggage and stress of the stepfamily. Even your own sisters. My prayers wing their way to you and I hope you find peace once you've quitely visited your father.
    Renu
    My Art Journey Blog: http://midnitecreations.blogspot.com/

  5. #5

    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    Do your goodbyes in the privacy of your own church, seeing him is not going to help. Whatever the family problems were and are, they have had their reasons and I would just let it go. Hard to say, but you might be better off, You are the one who with your sickness could not visit since Dec. so you have extra grieving situations. If he is still married to your stepmom, she has the top choice all in all. When it comes to stepchildren, no matter how well people get along, one never likes the other. Just take it slow and think things through, you are probably not healthy enough to make the trip. Please I know what it is like to lose your parents, sometimes staying away is best. - Nancy

  6. Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    (((HUGS))))) to you Joan!! You just do what you think is best!! Hang in there. I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. This is hard!!
    The Shackretary

  7. Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    So sorry for your loss, Joan. The pain of losing a parent is unbearable and you have so much on your plate just now. Saying a private good bye to your Dad sounds like the best solution. I'll keep you in my prayers.

  8. #8
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    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    Oh Joan, you poor dear. You have gone through so much with your own problems lately, you surely didn't need this drama as well. I don't know how they can be blaming you when you weren't at the meeting and won't be at the funeral. Go and say good bye to your daddy in peace and don't let them get to you(I know easier said than done). big hugs to you and my prayers are with you.

    Kathy

  9. #9
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    Oct 2006
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    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    Joan,
    So sorry to hear of your loss. It's bad enough to lose a loved one, but to have a family problem related to the funeral is just too much. You need to take care of yourself and your health at this time, and the private good bye for you and your dad seems like the best solution all around. Good luck to you and I hope this stress will go away soon because I'm guessing you are supposed to be avoiding stress right now.
    HUGS...and you can always come to the Shack to tell your troubles...we all can.
    Joanie

  10. #10

    Re: My Dad died yesterday ( sorry long)

    oh, Joan..I am so sorry for your loss. family dinamics can be soo difficult, and it sounds like you have your share of that. I think your idea of seeing your dad now is a good idea. say your goodbyes, and then grieve and heal with your loved ones. i agree with teh girls, you need to take care of your health right now and added stress will not help. my prayers are with you
    (((hugs)))

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