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View Full Version : Tweener Dilemna



prdesigns
07-10-2007, 09:25 PM
So, either I need to vent... or need another point of view. We've lived in our new home a little over a year. My kids (ds almost 14)and dd just turned 12 have adjusted, and made friends... today my dd had her b-day party... she wanted to see "License to Wed" with Mandy Moore & Robin Williams.... totally inappropriate (to my standards) I know it was rated PG 13.... I took 8 girls including my daughter. She has made a lot of nice friends, but the values that I've noticed these other families have is not what we are. Does that make sense?

We came back to our house for pizza and cake. My daughter had an attitude that I always notice when she is around this group of girls. I'm getting old... and don't know how to relate to these tweeners, braces everywhere with wild color rubberbands.. like ya know? From what I've seen some of these girls have 'everything' (the in pursers, clothes, Abercrombie & Fitch)and I'm trying to raise my daughter with values and compassion.... I'm ready to have tears. I guess I don't what I'm saying...maybe it's this party thing... I don't know how to relax and just go with the flow... I hate that.

Thanks for letting me vent!

HeatherJ
07-10-2007, 09:33 PM
Birthday parties are my big stressers every year! I hate them! It's hard when you see the behaviours in others that you do not condone in your own children and a parent's big fear is that our child will look up to that child, who is not what we want as a role model. Trust you have instilled great values and that the cream will rise to the top! And in the meantime, be there to watch what's going on. (My DD will be 14 next month!)

mahodgman
07-10-2007, 09:37 PM
Since I don't have kids I suppose I'm the last person who should be giving advice, but I have an opinion if you want to hear it. When you have values you are trying to teach your kids, you can't give in to what is popular or easier no matter what other familes do. You have to stick to your guns, Mom, because you have a purpose and a plan for your kids. I am amazed at how many people don't have a clue or a care, but you actually have a whole plan. I say, "way to go!" Your daughter may resent you from time to time or give you attitude, but you have to just ignore it and she will thank you in the long run when she has grown up with values and compassion. Those are the things she will want to teach her own kids.

ellie
07-10-2007, 11:03 PM
I agree with you. I know I'm old, but I feel like the kids today have too much too soon. There is such pressure to grow up fast. My dh came home the other day and told me that his boss has a 10 year old daughter and her best friend (also 10) is PREGNANT!
I think you should follow your instincts...God gave you that little voice for a reason. Talk to them all you can about the things that are really important...hopefully, they will listen.

teabear
07-10-2007, 11:07 PM
Oh, Peggy, I do hear you. My DS is 12 and I am so grateful he's a boy, but it's still a tough age. Just keep on being the strong mom you are and listen alot. My son has a friend over tonight who is spending the night and I laid down the law with them on the way home. I'm not mean about it, but they know the rules. They already didn't clean up after their pizza mess and I made them come down and take care of it. Just remember all kids want to be good, but they are trying to grow up and figure out who they are. I'm ready to hang on for the next few years and try to enjoy the ride.

MyRnAbS
07-10-2007, 11:08 PM
Don't sweat it! My dd is going on 13, and she doesn't even go out yet. I'm on the other side of the boat, I want her to have all the in things that you mention, but she hates them. She's happy with her jeans and an old navy t-shirt KWIM? I guess all girls are different, but the bottom line is your dd will always have that compasion and vulernability that you instilled in her heart engraved forever!!

directmailscrapper
07-10-2007, 11:12 PM
Peggy, my DD just turned 11. It has been a very delicate balance -- we have the means to buy her anything she would want -- but we want her to have strong values and not place too much emphasis on things. Sometimes I think I am worse than she is -- since we CAN, sometimes it's hard not too! But she surprises me. When we go shopping, SHE'S the one who says "Mom, I don't need any more shoes" or "Mom, that costs too much!". On the other hand, she DID want a shirt from Abercrombie and she had to use her birthday money for it.

I am really lucky that my DD is a "pleaser". She has been known to roll her eyes at her Dad or me -- but as soon as she does -- she apologizes! It's like it's an irresistable urge -- but she knows better... Let's just hope she keeps it up!

I sympathize with you! I think girls are tougher at this age! We'll have to support each other!

prdesigns
07-11-2007, 09:41 AM
Thanks ladies for all of your replys.... I told dh last night... he understands but doesn't.... if the kids get in trouble (like dd got caught cheating on a test last year).... I feel like a failure 'cuz it's my job to 'train' them. If I have to remind them (nag them) to bring down their laundry, pick up their room, write a note to grandma.... I feel like an old hag crabby b**** when they don't do what I ask (for the third time cuz their too busy watching tv)... it's not as if they have to hang their underwear out on a clothes line (like I did) hee hee....
I need to get away for a while..... thanks for listening.... but I'll take more opinions and advise!!!

threefriends91
07-11-2007, 09:55 AM
Dear Peggy when my DD started up with her friend l didn't like it was not long before l seen trouble starting, so l made a deal with her a mother and daughter day once every 2 weeks we helped out at the food bank and then the hosp. every week for 3 hours, she had her eye's opened their and made some great friends and we had our special time together, being 53 the best l can tell you is keep strong and don't give in follow your heart, she will thank you later l believe if you don't keep her busy the kids on the street will. our kids are the best gift we got and we need to take care of them, your heart and thoughts are in the right place God bless l will pray for you,Cathy

stampcrazyjulie
07-11-2007, 10:34 AM
My Kids are still young, so I personally haven't had to deal with the issues that you are going through. But, I do have my my oldest Sister & my 2 Neices staying with me for a month or more. One is 13 years old and the other one is 10. The 13 yo has a "Boyfried" that is 14 and somebody that I do not approve of. Her Mom let's her go off & spend the whole day with him, and she has even stayed out until 11PM with him. I freaked when she took off yesterday & thought she was going to hang out with him ALL day. I was like at our House we don't do that. You need to be Home by Dinner time...period.

My Neice gave me the rolled eyes & then went off to text this Kid. That's another thing I am not happy about. A 13 yo with a cell phone for security purposes & so that Mom & Dad can get ahold of them is one thing. A 13 yo that is texting their Boyfriend 24/7 and not participating or talking with the Family is not.

I guess I can see what's coming with my Neice...and other Kids her age if their Parents don't give them some boundaries & put their foot down early.

Good for you that you are looking out for the best interests of your DD. Others aren't quite as concerned.

dreis1
07-11-2007, 10:45 AM
I just had this same conversation with my youngest DD about her 16yr old DD. She wondered about making her get a summer job. They have a Wal-Mart at the end of her street. I told her to take her down there and get her a job. DGD has run up 8000 mins on the cell phone and DD has a $250.00 cell phone bill. DGD just wants to do chores around the house to pay the bill, told DD no way. She needs to know what it means to earn money. That is part of parents responsibility is to teach the children how to become responsible adults. I was a single parent and they were put to work early to earn their own money. It taught youngest DD that she wanted to do more than work at Burger King when she got out of HS. She is a nurse. This youngest DD gave me fits in growing up, but I did not budge, and today she is my biggest fan. She knows what I went thru raising her, and the values I taught her. Thank God, it did pay off, being strict in my beliefts. She didn't listen always, but she knew better and today it has paid off. Hold you guns. Talk, talk, talk to DD and spend lots of time with her, but hold your guns. When you say No, mean it. HTH Glinda

inkinupstamps
07-11-2007, 10:55 AM
AMEN to all that Glinda said. Stick to your guns and no means no. "everyone else has it or does it" is not an excuse. That phrase has been used on parents for generations and generations.

Cell phones for kids...I don't get it and won't get started on my rant with that one but to say that just last week a boy on a bicycle FELL directly in front of my van as I was driving up the street and guess what he was doing? TALKING ON A CELL PHONE while riding his bike. I barely missed running over him. I mean it was that close to being an accident.

As for the movies that are inappropriate, stick to YOUR values and instill them in your children.

You are truly being a good parent, a responsible parent and a moral parent by saying no to fancy clothes and handbags and "things" that are neither necessary or appropriate for the age.

I wasn't a mean momma, but I did set limits and stuck to them. I'm very proud of my adult children and their own code of ethics.

JMO

toao
07-11-2007, 11:00 AM
You are NOT overthinking this at all. You are 100% right and have the right to raise your child with good values and teach her to appreciate the things that you can afford. Even though my DD is only 5 (almost 6), there are certain kids that I just refuse to let her be around because she does have an attitude if she's around them. I'm trying to start off in the right direction and keep it that way. I dread those teenage years, but I know if I stay on top of it now, it will be easier. (I HOPE!) Good luck to you on this. I know she may get frustrated with you, but stick to your guns. Trust me, one day she will tell you how much she appreciates the effort that you put into it. I know I appreciate every butt whippin' my mom gave me.

Mary

countrycowgirl
07-11-2007, 03:05 PM
Peggy my DD is 14 and my two DS are 13 and 11... my DD has morphed into this girl I swear is not mine ;).... forever in front of the mirror, on MSN and texting all the time... attitude all the time... yet you know what she is a great kid! I know she is and we hear it all the time from everyone else, honor student, super athletic, great friends... but she is a teenager and for whatever reason at that age their friends become their life. So I am counting the 1460 days down until she turns 18 and I get my DD back from the invasion of the teenage bodysnatchers!!! LOL

You just have to know you raised them with a good set of values and they will do the right thing despite being obsessed with friends, boys, clothes and make-up! I've seen this time and time again with her already... she has made great choices and she still always comes to me for advice about her friends, school, boys whatever it might be. They are trying years but a child with a strong family support and a good set of values will make good choices.

Just my 2 cents worth!

prdesigns
07-11-2007, 03:09 PM
wow! Donna that was good! Yes, my daughter is in high honors, club volleyball and cheer... and other parents do say she is 'such a nice girl'.... ugh! Not only did I have to experience being a (nerdy)teenage girl... now I have to be the mother of one wannabes... and she's only 12!