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GrammaStamper
01-23-2008, 07:30 PM
I'm not really a part of this group as I've tried and failed so many times before, but this email I received I just had to share!! It's long, but so worth it. Enjoy!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would
beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the cheeky mare) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

iloveflipflops
01-23-2008, 07:35 PM
TOO FUNNY!!! I am laughing out loud!!! lol

mydogstinks2
01-23-2008, 07:38 PM
LMAO!!! That is great!!

scraphappy908
01-23-2008, 07:41 PM
OMG! That is so funny! I love it. I have a stamp that says "If God had meant for us to bend over he would have put chocolate on the floor." TFS

midnitecreations
01-23-2008, 07:44 PM
My best friend is a body builder. She soo resembles Belinda and I can relate to this. TG, my friend and I live nearly 200 miles apart! lol

Firecracker
01-23-2008, 07:57 PM
Very funny! Definitely made me laugh. Hugs, Heather

ccstampin12
01-23-2008, 08:02 PM
HYSTERICAL!
Joanie

Suzanne
01-23-2008, 08:56 PM
Funny!! This one even made Dh lol.

threefriends91
01-24-2008, 12:06 AM
Oh Barb, This is so funny, l have tears l can see this being me Ha Ha..

mdcash
01-24-2008, 12:19 AM
OMG! This is a good one. I have one of those perky little friends (who is a certified personal trainer) and I thank God every day that I don't live in the same town as her! LOL Just kiddin', I really do wish I lived closer to her.:biglaugh:

logcabincreations
01-24-2008, 08:03 AM
This is so good!!! Thanks for sharing it.

3darlings
01-24-2008, 09:02 AM
That is one of the funniest things I have read, I can totally relate to it. Thank you for making my day!!!!!

laos348
01-24-2008, 09:59 AM
Very funny!

Laura

Darleneh710
01-24-2008, 10:13 AM
Laughing out loud at work here...gonna send this to my friends too..how funny lol Thanks for sharing:)

ellie
01-24-2008, 11:32 AM
LOL Barb! That is exactly how I would feel. I actually knew someone who gave her granddaughter an exercise video and a piece of equipment for Christmas. Needless to say, it went over like a led balloon...the gd and her paren ts were very hurt. (BTW, the grandmother was skinny as a rail too!)

GrammaStamper
01-24-2008, 11:54 AM
LOL Barb! That is exactly how I would feel. I actually knew someone who gave her granddaughter an exercise video and a piece of equipment for Christmas. Needless to say, it went over like a led balloon...the gd and her paren ts were very hurt. (BTW, the grandmother was skinny as a rail too!)

Oh, I can relate to that, Ellie. My parents gave me a scale for Christmas when I was about 12. I was totally devastated.

ellie
01-24-2008, 12:00 PM
What is going through their minds when people do things like this? I know that my friend had the best of intentions...she is very tender-hearted...but seriously...did she really think this would not be insulting?

Christie
01-24-2008, 12:26 PM
LOL!!! Too funny!

Nancy
01-24-2008, 12:44 PM
That is funny, - Nancy

moon_beam23
01-24-2008, 03:26 PM
Oh Barb that is tooo funny! I like it, TFS

Paula Carden
01-24-2008, 07:24 PM
Too cute- I sent it to our Wellness Coordinator at work- she will find it funny.

loobylou
01-24-2008, 09:59 PM
so funny barb, I was just thinkingI need to go back to the gym,,,,maybe not!

paulssandy
03-24-2008, 04:05 PM
Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.


:laugh: Oh My Gosh, this is just too funny!!!

When I finally "commit" to getting healthier, I am definately going to do it with all of you! The ladies on this forum are so much fun :)

Sandy O

ccstampin12
03-24-2008, 05:58 PM
AMEN!!!!
So funny!
Joanie

cindi
03-24-2008, 10:37 PM
oh barb! this is a hoot!!!
TFS
:roflmao:

stampcrazyjulie
03-25-2008, 02:19 AM
OMG!!! I cannot stop laughing & crying! This was hysterical! I just started seriously walking & exercising this past month & I could so relate! :)

Thanks for the belly laugh Barb! :)

Julie

MnMommy2
03-25-2008, 02:36 PM
This is so funny and true! With this being my 2nd week with my personal trainer, I can totally relate! My whole upper body/arms are killing me today from some torturous weight lifting my trainer made me do yesterday! lol

ellie
03-25-2008, 08:02 PM
That's great! Thanks for the laugh Barb!

stampinmom3
03-25-2008, 10:35 PM
That is so funny! TFS